Settled.

We're finally settled. After more than a week without our stuff, and another week to unpack it all once it arrived, we are finally settled in our new house. My dog is less than thrilled about her new locale, as am I, but we're both trying to make the best of it. Moving is alot of work. And I don't just mean the unpacking. It's not like I moved into a different apartment across town, where the only newness I have to get used to is how hot the shower will get and where to put my silverware. With a move across town, I still have my friends, my job, my gym, my grocery stores, etc. With a move across country, everything from the light switches, to my job, to the grocery stores, to nail places, to the gym is all new. And sometimes, all that newness at one time, can be too much. I'm trying to take things in one at a time, and to remember that it will all work out in the end. As far as making new friends go, I haven't yet met anybody. Friends told me I would meet people at the gym, or at dog parks, but that hasn't exactly happened yet. Women seem to be very friendly here and there are lots of smiles on faces, but no real communication or anything yet. Hopefully that will only be a matter of time. I will say, that it's extremely exhausting to be "ON" all the time. There's something to be said for the people whom you can relax around and be yourself. I've had that advantage for way too long, and constantly selling yourself to new people is tiring. It's just something one has to go through, I suppose.

Today is a new day.

Day One of our cross country move to Charlotte, North Carolina was a long one. From Tuesday night, Commander and I have been living out of a suitcase since all of our belongings were boxed up, ready and waiting to load on the trucks. It's a crazy thing to be inside your own home, but have zero access to your personal things. Commander brought home soup for dinner on Tuesday night to help me with my cold...but we didnt have any spoons. Yesterday we drove through four states, finally deciding to quit for the night in Lafayette, Indiana. We drove over nine hours, with eleven more to go. What an exhausting day. We also were informed the moving truck would be a day later than scheduled. Apparently, the movers load your stuff on their trucks, but dont haul it out, until it's convenient for them. I only packed two pair of jeans, which is not enough to last an entire week. Did I mention I only brought one bra? Clearly, I wasnt thinking when I packed my suitcase earlier this week. Today we will stop in Knoxville, TN to visit family and have a relaxing dinner. Then four more hours on Sunday to Charlotte. I'm told we have to make a stop in Ashville to check of the sites, which we plan to do. Surprisingly, Kentucky has turned out to be exceptionally pretty. I had no idea! I hate this drive, but I'm enjoying the adventure. And only one minor meltdown so far; one that I was able to hide from Commander. It would break his heart to see me crying already. Until next time....

Ex-Files

Last week, while on my lunch break walking through the skyways, I happened across an ex-boyfriend. And by ex-boyfriend, I mean someone I used to sleep with with no strings attached. And of course, those were his rules; not mine. I hadn't seen this person in ten years, but the moment he caught my eye, even from 20 feet away, I instantly knew it was him. Actually, I think my gut and nerves saw him before my eyes did, because I had this sudden wave of nausea, and then, half-a-second later, I focused in on the culprit. Without even a flinch, I made an unplanned sharp right turn and lost myself in the crowd. I know how to disappear quickly. I reached for my phone to text Bestie of the sighting, and I fluttered and fumbled and couldn't remember how to breath. Only after I was sure of my escape did I begin to relax, brush myself off and head back to the office. What puzzled me after I had a chance to catch my breath was why I had physically reacted so much? Was my body trying to tell me something? Did I still have feelings for someone I hadn't seen in 10 years?! I had always envisioned that I would be super cool and aloof had we ever crossed paths again; you know, the older, but sexier version of myself, tossing my hair back to say, "Oh Yes, I remember you...." But clearly, cool isn't in my blood when my natural reflex is to vomit in my shoes. My reaction to the Ex disappointed me. I had hoped more for myself. I truly felt that I had come a long way since those days of Bad News Boyfriends and Booty Call Delights and grounded myself in a mature, loving, trusting relationship with Commander. No longer was I the victim of a one-sided relationship, where I spent my nights pining for something that neither of us was really ready for. I tortured myself then, and for the last few days I've been torturing myself all over again, feeling guilty that I left some untouched corner of my heart hold a flame for this guy. However, now that I write this out and listen to what my body was telling me...maybe those flutters and shivers and waves of nausea were signals that represented what life was like with the Ex. It wasn't peaceful, it wasn't healthy and it certainly wasn't all that enjoyable. From what I remember, I spent alot of time doubting myself and tearing myself apart over every little thing. Don't get the wrong idea; it wasn't abusive in anyway. I was just too emotionally young to be doing what I was doing, and to expect what I was expecting from someone else who was entirely too emotionally young to deal with it. The dice were loaded on this relationship. I think I'll just plan to eat at my desk for a few weeks. Charlotte is only 45 days away. Hopefully it will be another 10 years before I see him again.

I don't even know where to begin.

Let's see, I guess there's quite a bit to update you on. For simplicity, I'll hit the highlights. 1. Commander's mother died. It wasn't sudden or tragic, and truth to be told, she's probably a hell of alot more comfortable now than she has been in the last year after her stroke. We knew it was coming, as she was withering away to nothing, but still....I think losing both parents hit Commander really hard. We hopped on a plane as fast as we could and respectfully said goodbye. It was only after I had arrived, that I was told to possibly expect Commander's ex-wife to show up. Luckily, she didn't show, but she is in the will...so I guess I never stood a chance with my M-I-L. Oh well, such is life. 2. We put our house on the market. You should have seen me when I drove up to my house one night after work and saw the "For Sale" sign in my yard for the first time. I was inconsolable. For the next two days, I would walk over and kick the sign. And one festive night after a neighborhood party, I body slammed it and tried to yank it out of the ground. However, too many Stolie Doley Martinis kept me from making any real progress. 3. What I do know is that selling your house sucks. Letting people at large demand access to your house whenever they god damn feel like it, is just painful. I don't know how people with children would ever sell a house; I had one dog to remove each time, and that was a nightmare. And I also learned my realtors are assholes. No realtor is ever going to think you're selling your house for too little, and always want to guilt you into reducing the asking price. However, in our situation, which is we DON'T NEED TO MOVE, I'll list the house for whatever I god damn want, lady. If you don't want to sell it; move over because somebody else will. I didn't even want to sell it in the first place. My friends commented that I was downright pissed when a buyer asked to tour my house. I had to be the only person in America who voluntarily put their house on the market, only to spit on the people who even THOUGHT about buying it. 4. Well, we sold it. At full price, I might add; take note Realtor Bitch. It didn't take long for offers to come in on our house and there was constant interest. A doctor from California is lucky enough to move to Minnesota in February and wanted to buy our house. So, we'll be moving to Charlotte in January. I've yet to completely warm up to the idea, but I am working on it for Commander's sake. 5. Now....where can a girl find a nice rental in Charlotte, with a garage, fenced yard and 3 bedrooms?

Some people will just never mind their own business.

Many women miscarry; and unfortunately, I am one of those women. Many women will continue to try to conceive and many more women will continue and fail. For those women who eventually do conceive, I congratulate you and anticipate your joy. Getting pregnant is not as easy as Teen Mom would make it out to be. For some women, and for whatever reason, it's damn hard. Physically. Mentally. And emotionally....it's all damn luck. I didn't have that luck. In fact, I didn't have much luck at all for a long, long, long time. And one time.....I was lucky. For less than a month. And since I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster and the toll it takes on my heart, Commander and I have decided to embrace our lives just the way they are. And since I'm also tired of explaining to strangers why I'm a 38 year old married woman without children; let me be very clear. One. Last. Time. I'm happy. My life is full. I don't want or need to keep reaching for something that I will never have. It's sorta like waiting to live my life until I lose those last 10 pounds, and staying home from the dance until I fit into the perfect dress. Hey, guess what?! There's like a 1,000 dresses out there, and I look pretty cute in 998 of them. Moving on...life isn't defined by how many children I do, or do not have. Life is defined by my happiness, the love of my family and friends, the love I give back, and how I pay it forward. So, for those of you who feel that I will only be "whole" if I adopt, keep trying to have my own baby, or even feel it's any of your business to ask...Please; stop asking. Stop measuring my life. Because from where I stand? It's damn near perfect. I'm happy with it. I'm not defensive anymore; just bewildered you feel you need to make me better.

I'm pertually on the verge of tears and constantly pissed off.

Which, to be honest, is not like me at all. I'm usually very upbeat and generally things don't bother me too much. But that attitude is all in the past, because now, my house is on the market, and selling a house sucks. It sucks out loud. I came home two weeks ago to find a giant For Sale sign erected in my front yard. I knew we were getting close to listing it, but let me tell you, seeing it in person for the first time really pissed me off. I pulled into the driveway and sobbed for 20 minutes before Commander came and got me from the car. I was inconsolable. I did the Ugly Cry and shivered with a vengeance .... The whole bit. I. Was. Ridiculous. Since then, I've been doing nothing but plotting how to foil the sale of my own house. I've asked my neighbor to smoke a cigar in my driveway with his zipper down, and even considered leaving a giant turd in each of the toilets when a realtor requests a showing. I've got to be the only person in the world that voluntarily puts her house on the market, and truly doesn't want anybody to even consider buying her house. The more showings my realtor books, the more I wanna kick her in the stomach. I know it's not her fault; I do. But I'm angry. And right now, she represents the very thing I've been trying to resist: change. Moving. Charlotte. It's all moving forward despite my best feet-dragging efforts. I'm defensive. I'm bitter. And I'm a lunatic. Every possible obstacle to this move has been accomodating, and if or when, we ever want to come back and resume our Minnesota Life, we've been guaranteed a solid return. My job will work with me no matter where I live. Commander's job will pay for us to move and will pay for us to move back if we don't like it. Anybody else in our position would take this opportunity and run with it. I want to be the kind of person who takes this kind of opportunity and finds he adventure in it....but all I can do is cry for what I'm losing. Security. My house. My friends. Home should be wherever Commander is.....so why can't I get over being angry about it all?

Can I tell you a secret?

I don't want to move.